The main idea of good and non-violent communication is to be understood while also understanding the person on the other side. Only then can we say that the comminication is effective. But what stands in the way of this, and why is it difficult for us to be understood? Often, it’s because we communicate through aggression without even realizing it.
What is "violent communication"?
Currently, there is no official term “violent communication” in the literature. However, when examining different communication styles, some can be classified as “violent.” The aggressive style of communication—characterized by blunt remarks, attempts to dominate others, criticism, blame, and often a condescending attitude—can be considered a form of violence.
The same applies equally to the passive-aggressive style. Although it focuses on indirect and unclear messages, half-truths, and denial of problems rather than direct attacks, this style can be extremely frustrating and confusing for the listener. It is often accompanied by expressions of anger, guilt-tripping, and “silent rebellion.” These tendencies can also be considered a form of violence.
Even if communication doesn’t fall into either of these styles, it can still be considered violent when we try to impose our opinion, belief, or perspective on the other person. Communication becomes “violent” when we deliver a message with the mindset that we are right, the other is wrong, and we need to prove it. It is also violent when we judge or evaluate a situation shared with us without being asked and without the other person being ready to hear it.
Another form of violent communication is trying to demand something from someone, giving orders, or conveying that they are obliged to do something. It includes expressing disregard for their way of thinking, emotions, ideas, and so on. Even if these approaches are used subtly and don’t cause significant harm in every conversation, there is one fundamental truth that applies to all the forms of communication mentioned above—they make it very difficult to build trust.
When we sense that the other person’s goal is not to understand us, but rather to correct us or simply convey their own message, it becomes very difficult to relax and open up to them. This type of communication often leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and negative emotions; it rarely fosters closeness or connection. Moreover, when a message is delivered aggressively, the natural response is always defensive, because it is perceived as an attack, even if the intention is entirely well-meaning. And when we perceive something as aggression, we block it, and in our effort to protect ourselves, we become completely unable to hear what is being said—or, more precisely, to let it reach us in a way that allows us to process it.
What is "non-violent communication"?
A key aspect of effective and non-violent communication is that it is grounded in emotional intelligence. To communicate in this way, we first need to understand ourselves—our emotions, needs, motivations, and desires. Once we develop this skill, it becomes easier to put ourselves in others’ shoes, to make sense of their emotions, and to clearly articulate what we want to say. The primary motivation is to understand our conversation partner and their message, rather than insisting at all costs on proving that we are right.
The concept of non-violent communication is primarily about being empathetic and curious toward ourselves and our inner world, so that we can convey it clearly and concretely to others. When interacting with others, we do so with the same understanding—without judgment or aggression, only curiosity. To communicate nonviolently, we must adopt the mindset that everyone has a valid perspective, and even if someone else’s view doesn’t align with ours, that doesn’t make it invalid. It is far more helpful to try to understand the reasons behind that perspective, as well as the emotions and needs that underlie it.
If we directly compare the elements of violent and non-violent communication, the comparison would look like this — we can replace every type of judgment (whether negative or positive) with observation. Through observation, we express only the objective events we have witnessed, without attaching our own opinion to them. It is also crucial to let go of the idea that we can read minds. Assigning meaning to someone else’s behavior without certainty often leads to serious accusations. Instead of blaming someone for what they did, we can express our own feelings and ask about the reasons behind what was said.
It is essential to distinguish our feelings and emotions from our thoughts. For example, we can say, “I feel angry / sad / disappointed / anxious.” However, if we say, “I feel neglected / rejected / attacked,” we are no longer expressing emotions but rather interpreting the other person’s behavior. If the intention behind their message worries us, it is far better to ask what they actually meant and how they perceive the situation.
Next, it’s important to express our own needs, again without shifting responsibility or judging the other person’s behavior. Saying something like, “I need you not to get annoyed with me,” is not an appropriate message, as the other person may feel attacked and become defensive. Instead, we can focus on our own needs—for example: “I need support, understanding, patience,” and so on. Afterwards, it is always possible to discuss with the other person how these needs can be met in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable.
The final and essential element to keep in mind when conveying a message is to replace demands with requests. If we order someone to do something for us, it is unlikely to elicit an understanding and empathetic response. It is therefore far more effective to simply ask for what we want.
4 elements of non-violent communication
In summary, nonviolent communication can be divided into four elements – observation, feeling, need, request. Here’s how a “non-violent” message might sound:
Instead of saying: „You keep making mistakes at work; this is very incompetent! Fix all the errors immediately!” we could say: “I’ve noticed there have been some mistakes in your work over the past two weeks. This worries me because it’s important to me that the work is clear and accurate. Could you please double-check it next time?” This way, not only is the message more likely to be received positively, but it also builds much stronger trust with the other person.
We can also apply these four elements when receiving a message from someone else. Regardless of the emotional state of the other person, it’s always helpful to consider what prompted them to express that particular message. What emotions are they experiencing, and what needs do they have? If we approach the situation with sufficient empathy, we can respond with understanding without being emotionally triggered ourselves. This, in turn, helps to calm the tone of the situation and allows for a more constructive and peaceful conversation.